Is this a life?

I'm sitting in a corner in my bedroom, or our bedroom. I'm so scared that my whole body is shaking, I try to calm myself down, but there's no use. I'm safe here, he can't get to me, I say to myself in a whisper. Safe, a word I've long forgotten the meaning of, I've been living my whole life in fear that I'm not used to anything other than that.

It didn't used to always be like this; a long time I ago I was happy and most importantly, not afraid.

I remember my family; I get up and look for that picture of them I had in a frame near my bed. That frame he once broke, because like many times before his anger was the only thing controlling him.

I find the picture hidden in the back of the closet; in the picture there was me, my little sister and my parents we were all happy and smiling, without noticing tears fell on the picture covering that happy scene. An overwhelming gap just  tore my heart, I can't believe how much I've missed them, my family, my real family. I remember the day we took that picture very clearly; because it was the day I lost everything.

That day my parents had a car accident causing them their lives, I remember how many times I wished I was in that car with them. I'm a believer and I know it's wrong to think such things, but when I lost them I knew there was nothing left for me in this earth.

And I was proven wrong (or so I thought) because out of nowhere this relative, I never knew anything about came into my life. He was the kindest, sweetest and most intelligent man I've ever met in my life, we fell in love and we got married and I thought I couldn't get any happier. And I never did, because things just started to get worse and worse.

It started by little things yelling, pushing me, calling me names and then slapping. The first time he slapped me because he got really angry, he came to me apologizing and hugging me, while saying; I'll never do that again, I promise. I'm so sorry. And because I was naïve, I believed him.

Then years went by and that became the normal, which revolved into my life. I'm always living in fear, anticipating that blow that always hits me harder than the one before, but no matter how hard I prepare myself for it. It still knocks me off my feet and for seconds I think maybe, I'm lucky enough that it might actually end my life. But luck was never one of the things that were on my side.

Here I am after years of being married to who I thought was the man of my dreams; I live a life that's driven by fear.

Somehow my body stopped trembling and I remembered the reason why I was sitting here in the first place.

He got back home and he was really angry over some problems he had at work, the first thing he said after he laid eyes on me was "you know you're the reason to all that's been happening to me if I didn't get married to you, none of this would have happened".

He walked over to me, so I closed my eyes waiting for the blow. He laughed out loud, so I opened my eyes to look at him "you think I'm going to hit you, maybe I should so that you won't get disappointed" he said staring at me.

I stood up "you know what I'm so sick of you, hurting me physically and emotionally, this is not a way to live, just divorce me and let me be" I said in a low voice, glad to get that of my chest but hoping he didn't hear me.

He laughed again saying "are you stupid? I will never give you what you want and so you'll always be my wife".

"But I hate you and I can't live with you anymore…" my voice was getting higher "… just let me go".

Never, was all I heard before he had my hair clutched in his fist and he was dragging me behind him, I trip and I fall to the ground so he kicked me yelling" get up" I get up and I push him with all my strength he stumbles backwards and lets go of my hair.

So, I ran to the bedroom and locked the door behind me, but he was at the door the minute I locked it knocking on it with both hands really hard.

He tries to break the door, kicking it hard and the door is shaking and making these loud noises when he strikes.

I go behind the door, he could actually break it "I'm going to get to you and when I do you're going to feel pain like you've never felt before, just wait for it" he yells from behind the door.

I run to my bed and I push it; to place it behind the door. So, that if he broke the door he wouldn't be able to get inside, to get to me.

I've been sitting here for almost two hours, the noises his movement made stopped an hour ago.

The problem is the bedroom is isolated from the outside, there's no way out of it except the door and I am so scared that if I go out he would still be there just waiting for me.

I get up with the picture of my family in my hand, I go lie down on the bed, curling my body and wrapping one arm around my legs and the other hugging the picture to my chest.

"Maybe if I sleep everything will be okay by the time I wake up, or maybe if I'm a little lucky when I wake up, I'll be with my family" I whisper to myself, hoping for it more than actually meaning it. Maybe.