The floor caves in, the walls close up, and you’re falling.

But there's no landing, stuck in the middle of two places, not able to move or speak.

Your chest starts to shrink and your breathing gets faster.

You think it couldn't get any worse because you're lost already.

But it does, that you don't even want to breathe anymore, because the pain is too much to handle.

You see everything in black and you think-no you believe that you can't get better someday, because the world has so much pain, hate, grudges and so many feelings that stopped making sense to your fragile heart.

When you feel like that, believe me it'll get better.

I might not believe my own words right now, but I know it will.

Just believing in that makes it a little easier; it gives you a glimpse of hope, a spark of white in your darkness.

Because at some point you'll hit the ground it's going to take your breath away, I'm not saying it's going to be easy.

But when you're on the ground, here's your base, you ground stone, your ticket back up. Because when you're down there's nowhere to go but up.

Is this a life?

I'm sitting in a corner in my bedroom, or our bedroom. I'm so scared that my whole body is shaking, I try to calm myself down, but there's no use. I'm safe here, he can't get to me, I say to myself in a whisper. Safe, a word I've long forgotten the meaning of, I've been living my whole life in fear that I'm not used to anything other than that.

It didn't used to always be like this; a long time I ago I was happy and most importantly, not afraid.

I remember my family; I get up and look for that picture of them I had in a frame near my bed. That frame he once broke, because like many times before his anger was the only thing controlling him.

I find the picture hidden in the back of the closet; in the picture there was me, my little sister and my parents we were all happy and smiling, without noticing tears fell on the picture covering that happy scene. An overwhelming gap just  tore my heart, I can't believe how much I've missed them, my family, my real family. I remember the day we took that picture very clearly; because it was the day I lost everything.

That day my parents had a car accident causing them their lives, I remember how many times I wished I was in that car with them. I'm a believer and I know it's wrong to think such things, but when I lost them I knew there was nothing left for me in this earth.

And I was proven wrong (or so I thought) because out of nowhere this relative, I never knew anything about came into my life. He was the kindest, sweetest and most intelligent man I've ever met in my life, we fell in love and we got married and I thought I couldn't get any happier. And I never did, because things just started to get worse and worse.

It started by little things yelling, pushing me, calling me names and then slapping. The first time he slapped me because he got really angry, he came to me apologizing and hugging me, while saying; I'll never do that again, I promise. I'm so sorry. And because I was naïve, I believed him.

Then years went by and that became the normal, which revolved into my life. I'm always living in fear, anticipating that blow that always hits me harder than the one before, but no matter how hard I prepare myself for it. It still knocks me off my feet and for seconds I think maybe, I'm lucky enough that it might actually end my life. But luck was never one of the things that were on my side.

Here I am after years of being married to who I thought was the man of my dreams; I live a life that's driven by fear.

Somehow my body stopped trembling and I remembered the reason why I was sitting here in the first place.

He got back home and he was really angry over some problems he had at work, the first thing he said after he laid eyes on me was "you know you're the reason to all that's been happening to me if I didn't get married to you, none of this would have happened".

He walked over to me, so I closed my eyes waiting for the blow. He laughed out loud, so I opened my eyes to look at him "you think I'm going to hit you, maybe I should so that you won't get disappointed" he said staring at me.

I stood up "you know what I'm so sick of you, hurting me physically and emotionally, this is not a way to live, just divorce me and let me be" I said in a low voice, glad to get that of my chest but hoping he didn't hear me.

He laughed again saying "are you stupid? I will never give you what you want and so you'll always be my wife".

"But I hate you and I can't live with you anymore…" my voice was getting higher "… just let me go".

Never, was all I heard before he had my hair clutched in his fist and he was dragging me behind him, I trip and I fall to the ground so he kicked me yelling" get up" I get up and I push him with all my strength he stumbles backwards and lets go of my hair.

So, I ran to the bedroom and locked the door behind me, but he was at the door the minute I locked it knocking on it with both hands really hard.

He tries to break the door, kicking it hard and the door is shaking and making these loud noises when he strikes.

I go behind the door, he could actually break it "I'm going to get to you and when I do you're going to feel pain like you've never felt before, just wait for it" he yells from behind the door.

I run to my bed and I push it; to place it behind the door. So, that if he broke the door he wouldn't be able to get inside, to get to me.

I've been sitting here for almost two hours, the noises his movement made stopped an hour ago.

The problem is the bedroom is isolated from the outside, there's no way out of it except the door and I am so scared that if I go out he would still be there just waiting for me.

I get up with the picture of my family in my hand, I go lie down on the bed, curling my body and wrapping one arm around my legs and the other hugging the picture to my chest.

"Maybe if I sleep everything will be okay by the time I wake up, or maybe if I'm a little lucky when I wake up, I'll be with my family" I whisper to myself, hoping for it more than actually meaning it. Maybe.

When you first meet someone you fall in love with them.
But what you realize later is that you fell in love with the idea of new person.
Because when you first met them they had on all those pretty looking masks, but the better you get to know them, the faster their masks they had on fall, until one day you see them for who they really are.

Then the realization of the fact that you were too gullible to believe the masks they had on and not see those people for who they really are hits you.
You decide that you’re going to build your walls up, so that you don’t fall for the masks around you, when you’re in a masquerade.

You look around you and all of a sudden all these masks are not so pretty anymore, you can almost see through the faces behind them.

You put on your own mask; because that’s the only way you can make it, in life’s masquerade

A Paper

Only today I realized the irony in the fact that man made paper and now we really need it for almost everything.

Money is paper and money helps us buy anything we need and with more of it we can buy anything we want. It's how people are rewarded for their effort. When anyone takes a job they get a salary; a pay check or cash.

It's amazing how we created paper but now certain papers control our lives, our future or simply our beginning.

One paper could carry so much sorrow with it no matter what country in the world a death certificate; means the loss of a someone and that someone must have had a mother, a father a family that will grieve its lose.

On the other hand one paper could mean the beginning of a life. A birth certificate means that there's a new born baby out there that still has many years to come and that baby would bring joy to its family.

A paper could bring joy and mean the beginning of two lives that were joined together with a paper. Two souls were joined together by the bond or marriage.

And there's the opposite of the joy the marriage brings; there's the pain a divorce paper can bring and the final separation of two people that were ones counted as one.

And in my case one paper could make me miss colleges this year.

I woke up today to the sound of the phone ringing and when I picked up I was delivered the worse news you could ever hear as the first thing waking up. The phone call informed me that I can't withdraw the papers I need to apply for colleges because my papers are missing my 11^th grade certificate and that wasn't the worse part of it, the worse part was that tomorrow was the last day for the college application withdrawal and I still had to go to two different pales for my certificate to be verified and I only had a day.

For me that was the tip of ice breaking, I was in a state of shock and all the possibilities of me waiting a whole year so I can actually withdraw the application papers and go to college just came crashing through my head and made it only worse for me.

But then I made some calls and I realized I still have a chance, because there were two days set later on for everyone that missed the first withdrawal, only then did I remember how to breathe.

After that I just sat there staring at a yellow paper that could've cost me a year waiting, because it needed two stamps one it, only two simple stamps on a  yellow paper were going to cost me a year.

I smiled and thought how Ironic.

Papers are manmade but now papers lead us to places or mislead us.

It documents our achievements; a school certificate, a college certificate, a diploma or a PHD, Just like it could document our failures.

And on a piece of paper a small child could draw something and from there he's introduced to drawing; a talent to grow or simply a passion.

All amazing writers must have started on a paper somewhere.

Books are made of a lot of papers put together, one paper alone wouldn't mean a thing but put together the book is a work of art.

The news is delivered daily to us on a big scrap of paper.

Our whole life is depending on certain papers and surrounded by a hundred other like: newspapers, magazines, school books, notebooks, novels, posters and so much more.

I only wish that only the good papers come along in your way not bad ones.

Those papers are a statement of who we are and they're a proof that we were once here and that we once did this and did that.

Walls crumbled ..

Sitting next to the car window..Looking out the window but not really seeing..My heart is aching..My tears are falling..I wipe away my tears, not wanting to be seen weak..They all might look at me like I’m a sensitive freak..But what they don’t know..Is that it’s just the way I am..The walls around me are easily broken & shallow..If you really cared you would’ve known..That no matter how old I’ve grown..I’m easily broken..My happines always stolen..I’m hurt, but I’m smiling..Broken still recovering..I walk and I stumble..I’ve lost my balance..Now that my walls were crumbled..I pick my self up, build my walls..to you I close my door..

A way to connect or trouble?

Internet, it brings us closer or does it make the gap between us bigger?

There could be someone that lives through an online character, they could be anyone or simply no one, but they can be who they want on the internet, because all we see of them is what they show us or what they let on through what they write.

Not to be against technology, I love it. And I can't imagine how life could be without Facebook or emails or any of those things. But I still appreciate the simplicity of a well written letter or a face-to-face conversation. People can fool you when they are standing right in front of you. So, how do you really know the person you're talking to? I'm not talking about people you already know.

I'm talking about all those people out there, the ones you'll still meet or the ones you've met already.

I'll tell you from personal experience that none of the relationships that start through the internet never seem to last and that's if they were any good, anyway.

There could be very unhealthy relationships that only make you unhappy without you knowing the effect it has on you until one day it's too late for you to pull yourself out of it.

You just live in fear of that person, you once thought was a friend but now you see him/her for what they really are simply a stranger that knows your secrets and things that others don't know

I mean people you run into through all kinds of websites and you become their friend and find yourself telling them your secrets and talking about your life.

People could hurt you so never  do such idiotic mistakes as trusting someone you met online, because they will show you the good only, no one will come to you saying; oh hey I have these bad qualities in me. They'll just show you the good to draw you in and then when it's too late you'll find out who they really are and just get your heart broken.

Internet connects us to everyone, anywhere, but it never guarantees you, that you won't hurt through the process, bump into a weirdo every now and then or that you won't meet bad people.

I'm not saying that everyone out there is a bad person, but you never really know. Do you?

 So, always be careful.

And never trust all that you see on your screen, because they could be words of love coming out of hate to make you sink and then tear your heart to pieces.

Or words that make you trust and think friendship. And then one day you tell them your secrets, and all of a sudden the whole world knows about them.

And maybe you're the person who's hurting others.

Sometimes it could be someone you do know, but the constant presence just removes the importance of connecting, or the lack of common subjects to discuss, because you've talked about everything, you've done that and been there. You find yourself losing interest in someone that once meant the world to you.

So internet like anything in the world has its advantages and disadvantages.

You can always stay connected with people you know all around the world.

And you can still run into bad people, maybe not bad in general but bad for you.

My only advice is you know what's best for you. So, do what's right for you not what someone else tells you.

Ps; I was actually stupid enough to think I knew someone, but it turns I never really did.