The saddest thing about this technology driven world, is sometimes, you look at all these friends on your list and not find a single person to spell your heart out to. A single person who won't judge and can make you feel better.
The worse thing is we're in this illusion that we're never alone virtually but we're so alone mentally.
All we want is to find someone who is there, completely there for us when we need them.
Thats really what all human relationships in the world come down to, wanting a simple basic friendship or whatever form of relationship it is. 
Someone to be there for you.
Someone to be with you.

Sleeping is my favorite thing these days, because it’s the only time I don’t think of him.

During the day he crosses my mind and that's a lie because he never actually leaves it.

I try to push the thought of him away, but do I need to say how I fail miserably?

I try to escape my mind, for it over thinks of you.

I close my eyes, hoping that sleep would end my restlessness.

I toss and turn between the bed sheets.

At last I fall asleep, only to have my dreams invaded by you.

Mayar Ghoniem - 1-10-2012 ©

There are two kinds of people in our life.

There's a kind of people that make us aspire to become better as humans and to try and change. We sometimes are aware of that happening to us and sometimes we don't even realize that these people bring out the best in us.

And there's another kind that bring the worse in us, some of them might mean a lot to us, but just knowing them makes us grow bad habits or adapt a certain behaviors and this change could happen without us even knowing it and that's the most dangerous thing ever.

Because people who really care about us would help us become better not grow worse.

So, be careful and look around you.

Whoever is bringing the best in you hold on to them as hard as you can.

And the ones who drag you downhill try to lose them before you're all the way down.

Mayar Ghoniem – 28-9-2012 ©

The floor caves in, the walls close up, and you’re falling.

But there's no landing, stuck in the middle of two places, not able to move or speak.

Your chest starts to shrink and your breathing gets faster.

You think it couldn't get any worse because you're lost already.

But it does, that you don't even want to breathe anymore, because the pain is too much to handle.

You see everything in black and you think-no you believe that you can't get better someday, because the world has so much pain, hate, grudges and so many feelings that stopped making sense to your fragile heart.

When you feel like that, believe me it'll get better.

I might not believe my own words right now, but I know it will.

Just believing in that makes it a little easier; it gives you a glimpse of hope, a spark of white in your darkness.

Because at some point you'll hit the ground it's going to take your breath away, I'm not saying it's going to be easy.

But when you're on the ground, here's your base, you ground stone, your ticket back up. Because when you're down there's nowhere to go but up.

Is this a life?

I'm sitting in a corner in my bedroom, or our bedroom. I'm so scared that my whole body is shaking, I try to calm myself down, but there's no use. I'm safe here, he can't get to me, I say to myself in a whisper. Safe, a word I've long forgotten the meaning of, I've been living my whole life in fear that I'm not used to anything other than that.

It didn't used to always be like this; a long time I ago I was happy and most importantly, not afraid.

I remember my family; I get up and look for that picture of them I had in a frame near my bed. That frame he once broke, because like many times before his anger was the only thing controlling him.

I find the picture hidden in the back of the closet; in the picture there was me, my little sister and my parents we were all happy and smiling, without noticing tears fell on the picture covering that happy scene. An overwhelming gap just  tore my heart, I can't believe how much I've missed them, my family, my real family. I remember the day we took that picture very clearly; because it was the day I lost everything.

That day my parents had a car accident causing them their lives, I remember how many times I wished I was in that car with them. I'm a believer and I know it's wrong to think such things, but when I lost them I knew there was nothing left for me in this earth.

And I was proven wrong (or so I thought) because out of nowhere this relative, I never knew anything about came into my life. He was the kindest, sweetest and most intelligent man I've ever met in my life, we fell in love and we got married and I thought I couldn't get any happier. And I never did, because things just started to get worse and worse.

It started by little things yelling, pushing me, calling me names and then slapping. The first time he slapped me because he got really angry, he came to me apologizing and hugging me, while saying; I'll never do that again, I promise. I'm so sorry. And because I was naïve, I believed him.

Then years went by and that became the normal, which revolved into my life. I'm always living in fear, anticipating that blow that always hits me harder than the one before, but no matter how hard I prepare myself for it. It still knocks me off my feet and for seconds I think maybe, I'm lucky enough that it might actually end my life. But luck was never one of the things that were on my side.

Here I am after years of being married to who I thought was the man of my dreams; I live a life that's driven by fear.

Somehow my body stopped trembling and I remembered the reason why I was sitting here in the first place.

He got back home and he was really angry over some problems he had at work, the first thing he said after he laid eyes on me was "you know you're the reason to all that's been happening to me if I didn't get married to you, none of this would have happened".

He walked over to me, so I closed my eyes waiting for the blow. He laughed out loud, so I opened my eyes to look at him "you think I'm going to hit you, maybe I should so that you won't get disappointed" he said staring at me.

I stood up "you know what I'm so sick of you, hurting me physically and emotionally, this is not a way to live, just divorce me and let me be" I said in a low voice, glad to get that of my chest but hoping he didn't hear me.

He laughed again saying "are you stupid? I will never give you what you want and so you'll always be my wife".

"But I hate you and I can't live with you anymore…" my voice was getting higher "… just let me go".

Never, was all I heard before he had my hair clutched in his fist and he was dragging me behind him, I trip and I fall to the ground so he kicked me yelling" get up" I get up and I push him with all my strength he stumbles backwards and lets go of my hair.

So, I ran to the bedroom and locked the door behind me, but he was at the door the minute I locked it knocking on it with both hands really hard.

He tries to break the door, kicking it hard and the door is shaking and making these loud noises when he strikes.

I go behind the door, he could actually break it "I'm going to get to you and when I do you're going to feel pain like you've never felt before, just wait for it" he yells from behind the door.

I run to my bed and I push it; to place it behind the door. So, that if he broke the door he wouldn't be able to get inside, to get to me.

I've been sitting here for almost two hours, the noises his movement made stopped an hour ago.

The problem is the bedroom is isolated from the outside, there's no way out of it except the door and I am so scared that if I go out he would still be there just waiting for me.

I get up with the picture of my family in my hand, I go lie down on the bed, curling my body and wrapping one arm around my legs and the other hugging the picture to my chest.

"Maybe if I sleep everything will be okay by the time I wake up, or maybe if I'm a little lucky when I wake up, I'll be with my family" I whisper to myself, hoping for it more than actually meaning it. Maybe.

When you first meet someone you fall in love with them.
But what you realize later is that you fell in love with the idea of new person.
Because when you first met them they had on all those pretty looking masks, but the better you get to know them, the faster their masks they had on fall, until one day you see them for who they really are.

Then the realization of the fact that you were too gullible to believe the masks they had on and not see those people for who they really are hits you.
You decide that you’re going to build your walls up, so that you don’t fall for the masks around you, when you’re in a masquerade.

You look around you and all of a sudden all these masks are not so pretty anymore, you can almost see through the faces behind them.

You put on your own mask; because that’s the only way you can make it, in life’s masquerade